National Domestic Violence Awareness Project

This year, we are asking staff and friends of the #NRCDV to commit to starting conversations with the teens in their lives! It’s Time to Talk Day – February 4th, 2014 – is an annual awareness day designed to generate new conversations about healthy relationships and prevent teen dating violence and abuse.

Our first post comes from our colleague, Tracy:

Tracy just asked. She was watching TV with two teens and a 21 year old. They were chatting about random things when she asked about the health of their dating relationships. They told her it was awkward and to never do it again.

But they also reminded her that each kid will respond differently and no one tactic will work for every teen. (Smart!)

They suggested that parents/important adults should introduce the idea of safety with their teen in ways like:

• When your teen gets home from a date, ask if they were comfortable with their date’s driving. "Does his driving scare you? Are there other times when his behavior scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable?“
• At dinner or in the car ask, "How are things going with XYZ? Do you feel safe with XYZ?”

They said seeing a healthy relationship or abusive relationship in the adults in their lives would be the most helpful in identifying what is healthy and what is abusive. Adult modeling is key.

Tracy was surprised by the fact that they were uncomfortable even though she had exposed all of them to these topics and types of discussions since they were very young. She keeps the door open. She asks questions.

There are lessons here about approaching the teens in our lives:

1. Check in with them about how they would like to be approached if concerns should arise. All youth (all people, frankly!) have different communication preferences.
2. Be specific in your questions. Broad questions about the health of their relationships may not be helpful, and may not translate. Instead, ask about particular patterns, behaviors, or reactions you’ve noticed. “It looked like she was being rough with you in the driveway. Is she normally like that when she gets mad?”
3. Make your relationships visible and talk about the relationships around you. Emphasize examples of both respectful and harmful behaviors. Kids learn best when they can watch intimate partners work together to respectfully resolve conflicts. Model this behavior in shared spaces at home rather than taking it elsewhere. Model care taking, affection, and appreciation publicly as well.